Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My Autobiography

Many have asked me to say some few words about my history over the past decade or two, and so I have decided to accede to their request with a short autobiography. I did fear, I must admit, that some -- erm -- slightly sordid events might lower my esteem in their eyes. On the other hand, I did not wish to espouse a fiction, no matter how trifling, in an autobiographical essay, nor did I wish to conceal those moments in my past which have shaped me -- for the better, I hope -- into the person who types before you today. A compromise struck me, therefore, and I have made some use of camouflage in the tract below; for certain distressful memories or shocking terms I have used other words -- but will send the list of these terms and their true values to any who ask for them. Thus both honor and decency may be said to have had their day. And so, on to the clamored-for biography:

After departing high school I found myself working in an advanced physics program with Professor Hansch, spending hours in his laser lab when not otherwise engaged studying physics. I can't help but believe that my demonstration of a cheap comb-and-paper kazoo may have had some small part in his eventual Nobel Prize for his development of the optical frequency comb technique, but of course I care not for credit. Eventually I tumbled into Materials Physics, where I helped develop some of the first carbon aerogels, though exposure has left dry patches on my hands, making it difficult to type. Our team used these aerogels, naturally, in developing some of the most powerful supercapacitors of the time; I grew bored.

Desiring to both demonstrate my skills and expand my opportunities, I applied and was accepted to the London School of Economics, receiving my MPA in Economics in 1992. Many of my friends and colleagues expressed surprise at my decision to make such a drastic change in career, and they were even more surprised two years later when, finishing a stint on the President's Board of Economic Advisers, I left a lucrative position with Crimson Capital, where I had been overseeing logistical restructuring in the former Soviet Republics. Heeding Leonard Cohen's example, I sold all my properties -- save for a few parcels of mostly sentimental value in the Sierra Madre and the Canaries -- and placed all my cash into simple interest-bearing accounts. Not the wisest choice for an economist, perhaps, but the price of not worrying is worth many losses in the market. I gave away my remaining possessions except for a copy of "Travels with Charley" and set off into the great wide unknown. It would be three years before I was to return to the United States.

I could expend many words detailing the adventures and misadventures of the next thirty months, but to what end? I did not seek to find myself -- indeed, I was already there, the one constant during that entire journey. Suffice it to say that my loves, my fights, the work, the hunts, whaling, the times in prison, the wins and losses -- these would have only passing interest to the readers of my words, though those who know me know that I will never forget Teresa in Talcahuano. I returned to the United States -- penniless, perhaps, but wealthy beyond my dreams in experience.

Eschewing a return to the workaday world just yet, I spent the next few years learning to play the guimbri (or hejhouj, as it is sometimes called) from an illegal immigrant from Mauritania who was a master at Gnawa music. I was also studying four languages to add to the Russian, Mandarin, and Hindi (and of course German and the Romance tongues) in which I already had fluency. I must draw a veil over the half-decade following for the time, as those secrets may not be revealed until at least a half-century has passed.

After performing rescue and relief operations in the Hafun on the Somali coast, I realized it was time to put my influence to better use, and thus I made my way to Strasbourg and founded the Peace Fund for the International Cooperation Between Nations and NGOs, which vocation occupies me to this day.


Key to the Autobiography of Me:

"-bearing accounts" = "monk"
"advanced" = "28-day"
"aerogels" = "chemicals"
"an" = "a"
"before I was" = "before I was deemed fit"
"Between" = "Attorney's"
"Capital" = "Lippz"
"carbon" = "toxic"
"care not" = "was out of the state"
"Charley" = "the Influence"
"comb technique" = "after the abortion"
"comb-and-paper" = "White Trash"
"constant" = "fucking"
"Cooperation" = "District"
"copy" = "charge"
"demonstrate" = "knocked up"
"demonstration" = "knocking up"
"Desiring to" = "Having"
"detailing the adventures and misadventures of" = "about"
"develop" = "get rid of"
"developing" = "getting rid of"
"draw a veil" = "have fucked"
"dreams" = "means"
"during" = "place"
"Economic Advisers" = "my latest porno"
"economist" = "guy like me"
"engaged" = "and get a job"
"entire" = "sucked worse than"
"Eschewing" = "Not ready"
"except" = "a cop popped me"
"expand" = "violated"
"expend" = "say"
"find myself" = "end up"
"first" = "worst"
"fluency" = "conned"
"following" = "belonging"
"for credit" = "by then"
"forget" = "screw with"
"found myself" = "ended up"
"founded" = "entered"
"four" = "more"
"gave away" = "stole back"
"Gnawa" = "playing a mark like"
"guimbri" = "Short Con"
"has passed" = "were broken"
"hejhouj" = "the Grift"
"helf-century" = "half my ribs"
"his development" = "she developed a form"
"his eventual Nobel Prize" = "her heart,"
"his laser lab" = "order to avoid prison"
"hours" = "my mother's cash"
"I did" = "My Mama"
"illegal" = "former"
"immigrant" = "cellmate"
"in Economics" = "for Best All-Girl Sex Scene in porn"
"in experience" = "by larceny"
"in Talcahuano" = "without a good reason"
"in which" = "that"
"influence" = "knowledge"
"interest" = "head"
"International" = "U.S."
"journey" = "home"
"kazoo" = "bar tramp"
"languages" = "suckers"
"London School of Economics" = "porn industry"
"losses" = "losers"
"lucrative" = "luscious"
"made my way to" = "decided to turn"
"many" = "some"
"market" = "groin"
"Materials" = "Waste and Water"
"Mauritania" = "Lompoc"
"may have had" = "broke"
"must remain so" = "worked me over"
"my friends and colleagues" = "the people I knew"
"my loves, my fights, the work, the hunts, whaling, the times in prison, the" = "it's for"
"my MPA" = "an AVN award"
"Nations" = "office"
"naturally" = "which is sickening"
"NGOs" = "the FBI"
"Not" = "She told me"
"occupies" = "haunts"
"opportunities" = "parole"
"otherwise" = "to get out of the house"
"overseeing logistical restructuring in the former Soviet Republics" = "-- well, use your own imagination"
"passing" = "messed with my"
"Peace Fund" = "witness protection program"
"performing" = "receiving"
"Physics" = "Treatment"
"powerful" = "incriminating"
"President's Board" = "set"
"Professor Hansch" = "court order"
"readers" = "point where everyone's sick"
"receiving" = "working on films including American Buttman in London, which won"
"relief" = "three"
"remaining possessions" = "cash and motorcycle"
"rescue" = "two"
"Romance" = "Japanese"
"save for a few parcels of mostly sentimental value in the Sierra Madre and the Canaries" = "the cops had been looking into my parole issues"
"secrets" = "bastards"
"seek to" = "where I would"
"set" = "sent"
"simple" = "the hands of the"
"skills" = "girlfriend"
"sold all my properties" = "joined a Zen monastery"
"Somali coast" = "bad side of Tijuana"
"Strasbourg" = "states' evidence"
"studying" = "after"
"Suffice it to" = "Let's just"
"supercapacitors" = "bodies"
"team" = "boss"
"Teresa" = "anyone"
"the Hafun" = "a backroom surgery"
"the half-decade" = "someone"
"the optical frequency" = "dementia"
"the price of" = "when"
"time" = "local gangs"
"to what end" = "why bother"
"tongues" = "tourists"
"Travels" = "Driving"
"tumbled into" = "got a job at"
"United States" = "outside world"
"unknown" = "penal system"
"was already" = "had already"
"wealthy" = "ready to live"
"which vocation" = "a decision that"
"wide" = "California"
"wins" = "assholes"
"with" = "under"
"words" = "crap"
"working" = "living"
"worth" = "worthless, I kicked"
"would be" = "was"
"would have" = "places have"

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